Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
