I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
