a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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