ya dads aren't the best wingmen
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
