Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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