Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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