I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
