Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You pole danced in your parka.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
