the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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