She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
