Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
