I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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