Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
