New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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