Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
