Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
