Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
