So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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