you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
