This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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