for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
