dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You ate ashes out of my bong
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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