Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
