your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
