just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
why do cheetos always look like penises
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
