My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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