worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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