ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
