and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
