when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
