I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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