Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
