I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
