my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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