new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
