I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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