Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
