sarcasm needs its own font
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
