Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize