you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
