I will die if light touches me.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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