either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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