running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
