??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize