It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's never too late to be topless.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
