I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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