I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
