Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
