Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
