That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
