He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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