Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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