It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
