Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Who died my cat blue again?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
