im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
