I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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