I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize