I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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