hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
