You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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