Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
