Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I want a musical about memes.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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