theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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