Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
